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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671797">Letters to me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams'>aperrywilliams</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:20:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,461</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671797</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Reader received some love letters?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Spencer Reid/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Letters to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If I said my life is boring working at the BAU I would be outright lying. What more exciting than chasing serial killers across the country? For real, I’ve seen many horrendous things thanks to this work, but good overcomes the bad one and at the end of the day you realize something good you are doing in this world and it gives a different taste in life.</p><p>Even though much of the time is about work, there are things even more important in this place: my friends whom are my family too. When I joined the team 5 years ago I couldn’t be more grateful to the people who received me with open arms. In those years Hotch was the unit’s chief. With his always appropriate posture he was warm enough to make you feel welcome immediately. As well as JJ, García, Morgan, Rossi and the good Dr. Reid. All of them had known each other for many years, so I was the “new” one and, therefore, the team’s reason for concern from then on. Despite my 27 years old they felt urge to take care of me like a little girl. It didn’t bother me much, I knew it was genuine concern, but sometimes it was frustrating. I must admit it. Perhaps the only one who understood how I felt was Spencer. Sure, for many years he was the BAU’s baby. Until I arrived, in fact. When we talked about it, he told me several times I was destined to be the protégé until someone new and younger arrived, he even joked about felt somewhat displaced since I came to the team.</p><p>Thanks to hours we spent working late, traveling on the jet and the hallway conversations I came to love them all as if they were my own family. I cried a lot when Hotch left the BAU, as well as when Morgan made the decision to leave as well. Of course we all understood. But feeling that nothing is forever began to provoke anxiety. It made me wonder where I really wanted to lead my life. I never doubted about  my job, of course not, but I did doubt about my personal life. I needed more things in my life and I felt like I suspended this needs because I believed the BAU was everything for me.</p><p>One day in lunch time, I told Spencer about my fears. I wasn’t expecting to be very exhaustive and I wasn’t expecting very elaborate advice, maybe some statistics on how people change as they get older, but just that.</p><p>“It is very common for people turned 30 to feel doubts about the decisions they make in life. There are studies that point out people who have stressful jobs delay these questions for a couple of years due to daily pressure, but it happens anyway. Even so, this type of situation is much more common in women than in men, given their state of reproductive maturity…”. This was the analysis Spencer shared with me after telling her how I felt.</p><p>“Spencer, my problem is not my reproductive maturity, if it’s what you are suggesting…”. I said laughing and trying to relieve the atmosphere I had caused with my questions.</p><p>“No. I didn’t say that. I only said the 30-year crisis could be more acute in women given their hormonal status… ” he replied very seriously.</p><p>"So is it true I’m in the 30-year crisis?… Hell, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but you may be right. Did this happen to you when you turned 30?” I asked to him.</p><p>“Ehhh, yeah. I think so. Back then my conflict was about the things I had accomplished at time. It is true, I had many doubts too, so I think the theory of 30s crisis is correct” he confessed.</p><p>I like talking to Spencer. Over the years we managed to establish a very close friendship. Perhaps because we are the closest in age within the team. I don’t know. And even though sometimes his impulse to have data for everything despair me, his genuine concern for those around him make Spencer adorable and an impossible not to love. What I like the most is over time he also trusted me enough to speak open about himself. Sure, it doesn’t something he do spontaneously, but whenever I asked him how he is or how he feel, he answers with complete sincerity. Spencer even listen to my advices and take it seriously, which I don’t even do with myself, I must confess.</p><p>"And what is exactly disturbs you? What your doubts are about?” Spencer asked me. The truth I didn’t expect to development more this subject, so his question took me by surprise.</p><p>“Ehh… well, what I was saying. I don’t know if I’m doing things right… or if I should make changes in my life…”. Sure, but I had already said that and it was nothing specific. He knew it.</p><p>“Ok, but… what do you think you need to change (Y/N)? What do you think is missing in your life?” he asked without losing sight of my gaze. I knew the answer. But at that point I felt a little vulnerable and I didn’t know if I was willing to be more detailed on the subject. And of course, it’s not I didn’t trust him, it’s just this topic was more uncomfortable to talk about during lunch time. But… it was Spencer, my friend. Why not trust him?</p><p>“Ok. Truthfully?… Although it sounds strange, I feel I lack emotion. I mean, it’s exciting to go after serial killers and all that stuff. But it’s my job. In other aspects, I feel my life is quite ‘simple'…”. Spencer studied my body language closely and tried to assimilate my words. I tried to help him by digging deeper into my thoughts. “For example, my love life. It is quite simple. I’ve had some relationships, but I can’t say I’ve ever fallen in love and felt reciprocated in a special way. In other hand, I know men are simple, no offence, but I’d like to find someone who is really interested in me. I don’t know, having romance, something exciting, something different from the relationships I’ve had before…”. Spencer looked at me weirdly.</p><p>"Like… in the movies…? I didn’t think you are the type of women who like romantics fantasies…” he told me with curious eyes even after my explanation.</p><p>“No, it’s not I like romantics fantasies per se… but… I don’t know. It’s just sometimes I don’t feel wanted, do you get it? And I don’t speak about sexual side. I’m talking about love, feelings, whatever that means after all…”. Spencer nodded as if he understood what I was talking about. Frankly, I don’t know if he understood, but I was already feeling uncomfortable talking about this, so I didn’t want to continue my explanation. I decided the topic ended there and started talking about something else for the rest of the lunch.</p><p>The weeks passed and due to the amount of cases we had, I suspended my questions and doubts for a while. We just returned from Alabama. It’s was already night and I just wanted to go to my place and sleep. I was exhausted. We got to the 6th floor to collect our things. At that time there was no one left in the BAU. Just dragging my feet I managed to get to my desk site.</p><p>When I looked over my desk I saw something different: there was an envelope with my name in handwritten. I took it and opened it. Inside was a piece of paper, also handwritten, with meticulous calligraphy. That is the first thing surprised me, because I never was able to write like this. I didn’t be able to do it even in school.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>"Dear (Y/N). After all these years, I finally gathered the courage to send you this letter. I must first apologize myself for this boldness of mine. I do not mean to bother you but I can’t just not express how I feel about you. It’s impossible for me not to put into words what my heart is feeling at the moment. The first time I saw you, I felt like I was out of breath. Your natural beauty stunned me from the first day. Look at you walking by hallways of the FBI makes my heart pounds faster and I think every day I fall more in love with you. Yours. Anon”</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>My first thought was this was a joke. I gazed everywhere and only saw my colleagues with whom I had just arrived from Alabama . No one was looking at me. I felt my cheeks redden and there was nothing I could do about it. A secret admirer in the FBI?… a secret lover? I scrutinized the envelope again for any indication of the sender. Nothing. I had been working here for 5 years and something like this had never happened to me. I was speechless and didn’t know what to think either. I wanted to stick with the idea it was a prank. But who would want to do me something like that? Spencer noticed my shock and asked me what was going on. I was not able to tell him what I had just seen and read. I just said “Nothing, I’m fine. Just a bad joke. Good night Spencer”. I took my belongings and left the BAU towards my apartment. That night I fell asleep thinking it must be a joke and I would have to find out who is ruthless enough to do something like this.</p><p>When I got to work the next day I immediately glanced my desk. Everything was as I left the night before. I tried to relax and even dismissed my initial idea of chasing after the person responsible for the prank of day before. I went to take my usual morning coffee and started working. It was not until after we returned from lunch when I looking over my desk and saw another envelope with my name written on it. My heart stopped and I think I stopped breathing too. Emily and JJ noticed my stupor because they immediately asked me if I was okay. I just nodded and took the envelope opening it and taking out its contents: again, a piece of paper written with perfect calligraphy.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>"Dear (Y/N). I dare to send you a new letter. You should know every day passes I fall more in love with you. It’s only fair I declare this because my heart would explode if I couldn’t. Oddly enough, looking into your eyes I feel as I can see your soul, your beautiful soul. The one that deserves to be loved utterly, the one that deserves to be treated with all the veneration and grace in the world . If I had the courage to approach you and if you let me love you, believe me I would never could let you down. Yours. Anon”</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>“What the fuck …?”. It was the only thing I could say as Emily took the piece of paper in my hand and began to read it. Then she passed it to JJ to do the same. Both of them didn’t know whether to laugh or not, but when they saw my daze they chose to debrief me.</p><p>“Since when do you have a secret lover in the FBI?” J.J. asked.</p><p>“Not just any secret lover, is a lover who ‘can see her soul through her eyes’” Prentiss teased looking at J.J.</p><p>“It must be someone’s prank…”. I tried to reason with them.</p><p>“Why a joke? It is perfectly possible you have captivated the heart of an agent on these sides…” argued J.J.</p><p>“But in these 5 years , nothing like this has ever happened to me!” I said with stupor.</p><p>“There is always a first time…” Emily said with a shrug.</p><p>“It must be someone new…” J.J. reflected</p><p>“I don’t think so, the first letter makes me think it has been here for a while…”. I said as I took the first letter out of my purse and handed it to them to read.</p><p>“Years… eh?… this is new. I think someone is burning inside of love for you (Y/N)”. Emily said laughing.</p><p>For the rest of afternoon I couldn’t focus on any of my tasks. All the time I was thinking about the possible men who could have written these letters. Maybe letters was not too sophisticated but to think someone from the bureau was in love with me, and for so long, did nothing but widen my heart… and my ego, by the way. I was pondering on that when Spencer peeked around my desk.</p><p>“You cannot tell me nothing is wrong with you, because you have hardly worked today (Y/N). You’ve been contemplating the nothingness for hours”. Again Spencer took me by surprise.</p><p>"It’s just… I’m… I don’t know how to say it… I’m surprised?”. And without saying anything else, I handed him the two letters I received. He quickly read them and frowned.</p><p>“What really mean this about ‘looking into your eyes I feel as I can see your soul’? That is physically impossible…” he stated in a seriously tone.</p><p>“Spencer, it’s a metaphor. You are a genius, I think you know what a metaphor is…”. I said with a bit of annoyance. Of course, Spencer wasn’t seeing the same as I in the letters.</p><p>"Ok. Metaphor or not… it doesn’t seem very sophisticated to me”. Yes, he had a point. These aren’t great love letters, but for me the effort could balance the lack poetry talent of my secret lover.</p><p>“Ok. Maybe he isn’t a poet after all, but I think I like it…” I said a little embarrassed to admit I was flattered. Spencer smiled.</p><p>“Maybe you really have more action in your life after all…” he told me, giving me the letters before he returned to his desk.</p><p>Two days later I got another letter. This time I saw it over the desk just arriving to the office in the morning. After grabbing my morning coffee I proceeded to read it.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>“Dear (Y/N). When I saw you yesterday I felt like talking to you, but I didn’t dare. I have to admit that I am too shy to approach you. I always have been, but when I fall in love is when my shyness plays against me the most. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you these things, but I also want you to know me more, even if it’s through these letters. In the depths of my heart I have the hope that perhaps one day we could be together, and one day I could kiss those beautiful lips. Did I say to kiss?. And what is a kiss, specifically? A pledge properly sealed, a promise seasoned to taste, a vow stamped with the immediacy of a lip, a rosy circle drawn around the verb 'to love.’ A kiss is a message too intimate for the ear, infinity captured in the bee’s brief visit to a flower, secular communication with an aftertaste of heaven, the pulse rising from the heart to utter its name on a lover’s lip: 'Forever’. Yours. Anon”.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Dammit! The bastard just quoted one of my favorite plays? Shit!. Maybe he isn’t illiterate after all. Another thing I noticed: in this letter he dared to reveal a little more about himself. Something I could not see in the previous two. Would this be more than platonic?. Throughout the day, as I walked through the corridors of the FBI, I couldn’t stop looking at all the men I came across. Some of them didn’t even look at me while others looked at me and some even smiled at me. I hadn’t realized how many people I passed through the corridors of the FBI on a daily basis. “You work doing profiles, how can you not make a profile of your secret lover?”. I told myself. Well, this was already an intellectual challenge, but I needed help. That afternoon, as we were in the jet on the way to a case in Houston, I approached Emily and J.J. showing them the third letter and asking them to help me discover who it was. They were more fascinated with the challenge than I was.</p><p>With the little evidence we had, all we could say he is an agent, who works for the FBI since at least a few years, probably suffered more than one love sorrows, and this is the first time he dared to do anything like write a love letter. And of course, he knew one of my favorite plays was Cyrano of Bergerac, or at least he suspected it. So it had to be someone I talked to more than once or knew something about my life and my past. It couldn’t be someone I only crossed in the hallways. His calligraphy indicated dedication, organization and emotions contained.</p><p>“I think this profile outlines 50% of the bureau officers, except for the calligraphy and the play (Y/N) likes…” Prentiss said huffing.</p><p>“Ok. And in this 50%, how many of them have spoken with (Y/N) in these years enough to know things about her? Assuming he is not someone who takes risks…” added JJ. I just shrugged and started making a list of agents I remembered having spoken more than one word in these years and who were still on the bureau. I was surprised myself how friendly am I. The list was not short.</p><p>I kept receiving letters from my secret lover. In all of them he let a little piece of his heart escape, not only screaming his love for me, but his doubts about himself. That broke my heart. Was he so afraid to talk to me? Days later I received the last letter.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>"Dear (Y/N). You may have noticed my early letters were more fearful. I was afraid you would be intimidated by my boldness. Now I feel a little more confident about you at least read my letters and motivates me to write more. I never thought I was going to confess my love to a woman in this way. And it’s not I have fallen in love many times before in my life. To be honest, I think very few times indeed, and to be honest, never with someone like you. You’re a very special woman (Y/N). When you started at the BAU you immediately radiated all your energy to those around you. Always gentle, with a smile on your lips. Willing to help and do your job in the best way possible. You are so understanding, you care about the rest and this quality makes any man can fall madly in love with you, like me now. Always yours. Anon”</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Wait… what?!, have I known this man for 5 years? I mean, he was here when I started working in the BAU. This fact shortened my initial list a lot. I told Emily and J.J. about my new findings.</p><p>“So… who is on this short list?” Emily asked.</p><p>“Well… according to my evaluation this leaves us: Stevens, Rogers, Martinez and Anderson”. I said, going through my list. And I wasn’t considering just the singles mans.</p><p>“I don’t think be Stevens, he’s a narcissist. He’s not the type to send letters. He would just come up to you and to invite you out…”. Emily said, dismissing the first suspect.</p><p>"Rogers is a shy guy. But I think hopefully he read an entire book in his life. He is more RPGs type and that kind of nerdy stuff. The writing style doesn’t reveal that kind of man…” said J.J. , rejecting the second suspect.</p><p>“Martinez is recently married. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but according to they said around here, he was dating his girlfriend for four years until she said yes to the question, so it would be premature to think he is thinking in another woman…”. With this statement Emily dismissed the third suspect.</p><p>"And Anderson… well, Anderson got divorced a year ago. We never knew very well what happened. I once heard Morgan to say he married her because she was his high school girlfriend, but he was never very in love with her…”. J.J. explained.</p><p>“He is a very sweet man, without a doubt. Is shy. I always see him with books walking for the hallways, it seems he likes to read… it could be someone who can write letters…”. Emily indicated.</p><p>"Maybe love letters… yes… it is possible” added J.J. Both looked at each other as if they had discovered the Holy Grail. “It’s Anderson!” they exclaimed at the same time.</p><p>“Fuck…” was the only thing I could say, also noticing and reviewing all my interactions with Anderson in the past years.</p><p>It’s true what Emily and J.J. said, Anderson is a very sweet man. Always considerate, giving you a smile. Very shy, no doubt, but sweetly shy. Of course he wasn’t my type. I had never seen Anderson with different eyes. And to be honest, I had rarely seen other agents with different eyes. Of course, my job is more important. I tried to go over things I’ve talked to him in the past, and of course, except for some social meetings in Rossi’s house, our interactions had been quite limited. But it was a fact we saw each other regularly on the BAU. And surely he had found out things about me. It had to be him.</p><p>I didn’t know much what to do with this information. Well, if it was him, what I’m going to do now? Confront the poor man? I wouldn’t dare. Besides, what I could to tell him? I couldn’t be in love with him, however to much romantic his letters were. My heart has already an owner even if I wanted to deny it to myself. And although many times I shouted to the four winds I was looking for the love of my life, the truth is I had already found it. The problem is this love would never be corresponded. Of course, the good Dr. Reid was just my friend and I chose this before doing a stupidity and showing other feelings towards him and ruining our friendship. I was pondering about this while we were on our way to the jet for another case out of town. The same voice Spencer pulled me from my thoughts.</p><p>“Still thinking about your secret lover?” he asked sarcastically. I didn’t like his tone, especially after what I was reflecting.</p><p>“Yeah. And so what if it were?”. I replied abruptly.</p><p>“Nothing. It’s okay. You don’t have to be mad at me” he said, noticing my defensive tone.</p><p>“You men are incredible. To be honest. How a man can be so blind, so clumsy, so shy when he shouldn’t and so bold when nobody asks to. A real disaster!”. I exclaimed with my arms up.</p><p>"Hey, I didn’t do anything to you…”. Spencer protested. I just shook my head and kept walking towards the jet.</p><p>“Well, at least now I know who is he”. I mumbled dryly before boarding the jet without waiting for any response, not even hoping Spencer had heard what I said.</p><p>*******************************************</p><p>Was it true what she said before boarding the jet? Did she know who was sending her the letters? Is the reason why she was mad at me? But how can I be so stupid?, how I didn’t think she might find out at the end? Sure, I could defend myself, saying it was a joke. But it was it? I mean, at first, when the idea appeared to me it was just because I wanted to cheer her up a bit. (Y/N) looked so confused and sad. I never liked seeing her like that. Of course, my genius neurons sometimes doesn’t work in the way I would like. I thought writing her a letter and making her think she had a secret lover could get (Y/N) out of the lethargy in which she was sinking with her doubts and anxieties.</p><p>Apparently it had worked. After first letter, it was evident her mind began to wander and that cheered her up a bit. I didn’t think it was a bad thing, but of course, she thought it was some kind of prank. Of course, she didn’t think someone in the FBI could fall in love with her. Why not? How about a second letter to make it clear to her? A little more bold than first one. And surprisingly to me, it seemed it was easier for me to put words on paper for her than I had thought myself. The goal was accomplished: she no longer believed it was a joke, but I had forgotten how obtuse and obsessive (Y/N) could be at times.</p><p>When I savored the pleasure of just write about my feelings for her, I started to do it with more enthusiasm. In several letters I let myself go enough to show how truly I see her. And yes, even if I had been tortured, I would have denied it to death. I wasn’t going to admit I was hopelessly in love with (Y/N). Why should I? We are friends. Very good friends. She trusts me and I trust her. Why ruin our friendship for something I knew was never going to happen?. It wasn’t even worth the try. After 5 years everyone assumed, and so did I, that we were meant to be friends forever, and just that, friends.</p><p>And now, after a series of letters I wrote to her, this friendship was about to break. I’m a real idiot. But before taking my responsibility in this disaster, I needed to find out more about what (Y/N) knew, because maybe only she assumed things. No one says she actually knew who was sending her these letters.</p><p>Cautiously I sat in one of the seats of the jet and began to scrutinize how (Y/N) was speaking with Emily and J.J. , all over the trip. (Y/N) looked annoyed. Damn it! Precisely that was not my idea! Just the opposite. She almost never made eye contact with me. And the time she did, her eyes revealed more annoyance. So apparently my suspicions were accurate. At moment I saw (Y/N) get up with Prentiss and go to talk to Tara and Luke. I had to find out what was going on, so I went to sit in front of J.J. to try to dig a bit about it.</p><p>“What’s it Spence?” J.J. asked me once I sat and looked at her with my hands crossed on the table in front of us.</p><p>“I wanted to ask you about (Y/N)… is something wrong with her?”. I asked in the most innocent way I could. She, however, raised an eyebrow and looked at me curiously.</p><p>“Why do you say something is wrong with (Y/N)?” She asked.</p><p>“Ehh, well… when we were boarding the jet she looked annoyed and she didn’t want to tell me what was happening… then …”. I said trying not to stutter.</p><p>“You are worried” she interrupted. I nodded immediately.</p><p>“Is it all because of her secret lover?”. I dared to ask.</p><p>“Do you know about that?” J.J. asked me. She not quite sure what I knew or didn’t know.</p><p>“ Yes, well… she showed me the letters…”. I lied, of course.</p><p>“Well, I think we found out who he is…”. I felt like I was having a hard time swallowing and some air was missing from my lungs.</p><p>“Ahhh, yeah?… wow… that’s… interesting…”. She nodded. “And… who is it?”. I asked with fear of the answer.</p><p>“Anderson” she said confidently.</p><p>“What?, Anderson?… no way!…”. I couldn’t help but say it out loud. J.J. looked at me with 'shut up, they’ll listen to you’ eyes. (Y/N) believed Anderson sent the letters to her. I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or defeated. “And how does she know it’s him?”</p><p>“We discarded all the suspects from our list and we got to him. It has to be Anderson” she concluded. I swallowed harder than before and I could see she was analyzing my reaction. I tried to stay calm so as not to create suspicions.</p><p>“And… what is she going to do about it?” I asked, trying to keep my composure.</p><p>“That is what confuses her. I guess she is pondering what to do about this. So don’t bother her, Spence. The poor girl is a mess of nerves” suggested JJ. I just nodded, got up from the seat and went where I was previously.</p><p>My head started to spin. (Y/N) thinks Anderson is her secret lover, and they have hardly spoken in all these years! Was I even on her list? Despite being partially relieved, my heart broke a little more. But it’s ok, it was confirmation of I already knew: 'ours’ could never be a reality. Maybe it was better she thinks it was him.</p><p>*******************************************</p><p>The case was being quite demanding to get me out of my thoughts. But I still felt upset. Not with poor Anderson, not even Spencer anymore. With me. This matter was killing more of my neurons and nerves than it should. And, what would I do? Nothing, there was nothing I could do. I would just let time pass and if he didn’t get close to me, I wouldn’t. That would stopping letters at some point. I decided passivity would be the best strategy and I would let everything cool down.</p><p>And so I ceased thinking about it too. It was our third day in Texas and we had managed to locate our unsub. With part of the team we went to make the arrest: Luke, Emily, Spencer and me. When we arrived at the place, we noticed something strange was happening. There was no electricity in the house where our unsub was supposed to be. We had to get in, so we made pairs to cover two entrances. Prentiss and Spencer took the front door and Luke and I the back door . We got in with our lamps and scanned the place, there were no traces of our target. I noticed there was a door leading to some kind of basement, I motioned for Luke to come down with me. I was up front and he covered my back. What didn’t expecting was when I was in the middle of the stairs a hand took my foot making me fall down. Obviously I dropped my gun and the flashlight I was holding. Luke started down and before he got to where I was, I felt a strong blow to the head. After that I don’t remember anything else.</p><p>*******************************************</p><p>With Prentiss we heard (Y/N) yelled from the back of the house, as well as Luke’s voice shouting at someone to stop. We both ran to a door that led to a basement, we heard Luke fighting a man under the stairs. Emily immediately went downstairs to help Luke reduce the unsub, who was already badly hit so it wasn’t difficult. I looked with my flashlight where it was (Y/N). Suddenly I saw her lying on the floor, unconscious. Luke yelled at me “call for an ambulance, this motherfucker hit her in the head”. I froze for a second. I ran outside to alert paramedics who came to the aid of (Y/N) who was still on the floor and was not reacting. I panicked. They took her to the ambulance. In the already lit street I could see how her head was bleeding profusely. They put her in the ambulance and without thinking I got in with them. I wasn’t going to leave her alone now. I held her hand. There was no reaction yet. Arriving at the hospital, I could only come with her to the emergency room entrance. From there she disappeared along with a whole medical team monitoring her vital signs. She was alive, but no one knew the severity of her injuries.</p><p>Sitting on one of the benches in the waiting room, panic didn’t leave me. True be told, it was not the first time (Y/N) had been injured during a case. But this was the first time I felt real fear for her health condition. More knowing we were not on good terms and she was possibly mad with me. I hated that feeling. I hated the feeling of knowing after all this mess my emotions were finally coming out stronger than before and maybe I wasn’t even going to have a chance to open up to her about it.</p><p>I was deep in thought when Emily arrived with the entire team. They looked at me asking if there was any news. I just shook my head. Nothing was known about her yet. We all remained silent, waiting.</p><p>After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor came to talk to us.</p><p>“Family of (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?”. We all stand up and approached to him. Emily spoke first seeing his visible confusion.</p><p>“We are her coworkers. How is she?” Prentiss asked.</p><p>“The hit to the head was quite strong. Fortunately, there is no major damage, except for an ugly bruise. But with painkillers and rest, she should get better with the days”. I felt my chest release from the tension. I was really relieved. We all were, really.</p><p>“Can we see her?” J.J. asked</p><p>“Yeah right. She is wake up. Follow me if you want” doctor said to JJ, but she didn’t move and on the contrary, looked directly at me.</p><p>"Spence, you should go first”. I looked at her confused. She approached me and whispered in my ear: “I think it would be good if you saw her first, so you can explain to her about the letters…”. I froze. How…?. I stared at her in a stun, trying for the millionth time to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about. “Don’t ask me how, but I know. It’s you. Don’t torment her anymore, or torture yourself more with this” she said to me and went to sit where the rest was. In silence, I followed the doctor to the room where was (Y/N).</p><p>*******************************************</p><p>I love painkillers. They give you a feeling of relief and you think everything is fine, even though you know you are hurt and eventually you’ll feel as if a truck has hit you. But I didn’t care in that moment. Now I just enjoyed not feeling pain in my body. When I woke up in the hospital, I had a hard time remembering what had happened. With an intense white light blinding my eyes, I could only feel the beep of the machines and an intense pain dissipating as medicines were injected to me. There I realized what had happened. The entrance to the basement, the fall down the stairs, the knock to the head. ‘Damn bastard’ was all I thought.</p><p>In my medicinal lethargy, I had my eyes closed. My senses were lost in a parallel dimension where I could hear things around me, but without the need to be alert. That situation suddenly changed when I felt someone took my hand. I opened my eyes and saw Spencer looking at me very closely. You could tell he was inspecting my wounds. Hell, I bet I looked horrible.</p><p>“Hey …” said Spencer when he saw I opened my eyes and was looking at him. I couldn’t say anything, I just returned a smile. The truth is I was glad to see him. Plus his concerned face made him look more adorable than usual. “How do you feel?” he asked.</p><p>“At the moment… I don’t feel any pain. But I know it’s going to hurt tomorrow". I said with a grimace.</p><p>“We were worried … I was worried …” he said muttering but in a level I could hear.</p><p>“I’m sorry it was not my intention…”. I said.</p><p>“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It is good to know that… you are ok”. His words were cautious. Apparently I did give them a hard time, I could guess. I also felt bad. I was aware I had treated Spencer harshly throughout these days. I had barely spoken to him, and that was unusual for us. I know he felt it too.</p><p>"Spencer… I’m sorry, ok?”. He looked at me curiously.</p><p>“Why do you say that?”</p><p>“It’s I have treated you awful these days. Even before we got on the jet. Sorry, I didn’t want to be mad at you”</p><p>“I’m the one who should apologize… I’ve been insensitive to you in this whole letters issue. I haven’t behaved like you needed”</p><p>“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t want to talk much about it, really. But it’s not your fault…”</p><p>“Yes, it is…” he said with his usual stubbornness.</p><p>“Are we really going to argue over this?… no, stop it. Look. Furthermore, the matter is resolved. I know it’s Anderson who sends me the letters. And while I find it adorable, there’s nothing I could do about it. I feel sorry for him, but it’s not enough to… ”</p><p>"Falling in love with him…?” Spencer interrupted me.</p><p>“I was going to say it was not enough to tell him about this… but yes, I suppose there is implicitly the fact I’ll not fall in love with him”. I said laughing. But my words didn’t find any resonance in Spencer. On the contrary, he just stared at the floor. That was odd.</p><p>“But did you like the letters…?”. He asked in an almost inaudible voice.</p><p>“Yes, I liked them, they were very flattering, indeed. Yes, my ego went up. Yes, I found it exciting. But that’s it. I don’t know if I can say much more about it. Is something wrong with you?”. I saw how his hands trembled. What was wrong with him? I had never seen him like this before, at least in front of me.</p><p> "And… what if I told you… isn’t Anderson who sent you those letters?…“ he said, again in an almost imperceptible tone.</p><p>"But I know it was him… with Emily and J.J. we realized it after analyzing…”. I was not able to finish the sentence, because I could see how Spencer’s glassed eyes looked at me even more cautiously. He exhaled and began to speak again.</p><p>“<em>And what is a kiss, specifically? A pledge properly sealed, a promise seasoned to taste, a vow stamped with the immediacy of a lip, a rosy circle drawn around the verb 'to love.’ A kiss is a message too intimate for the ear, infinity captured in the bee’s brief visit to a flower, secular communication with an aftertaste of heaven, the pulse rising from the heart to utter its name on a lover’s lip: 'Forever'…</em>” he recited almost without blinking or breathing. I recognized those words immediately. And no, it wasn’t from any of the letters I showed him at the beginning, so he couldn’t have memorized it… unless… fuck!</p><p>"It was you… it was you all this time…”. I wasn’t asking but I needed confirmation. He said nothing, just nodded. “But … but why? What kind of prank was that Spencer?”. The bastard had mocked me all this time!</p><p>“No! It was not for that. Wasn’t a joke” he hastened to reply.</p><p>“No?… come on!… You wanted me to believe I had a secret lover on the FBI! It’s not fair what you did. You played with my feelings and that’s not fair…”</p><p>"It’s true you have a secret lover in the FBI!” he interrupted me, raising his broken voice.</p><p>“What?… now what are you going to fabricate this time…?”. I said tiredly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.</p><p>“Me. I’m your secret lover. I’m the one who loves you (Y/N). I love you. All the things I wrote, I wrote them thinking of you…” he said with a sigh of relief, as if a weight had been lifted from him. Sure, a weight that now fell on me.</p><p>"You what …?”. My head started to spin. Was Spencer Reid declaring his love for me in a hospital room?</p><p>“Yes, I must to recognize letters started because of the conversation we had one day where you told me you felt your life lacked emotion. I wanted to cheer you up a little, get you out of the routine. But… it finally became an excuse to me for tell you how I feel about you. Those I have felt for so long and I have never dared to say. And it’s ok. I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me. And if this means losing you as a friend, I’d rather never have. I can’t bear to see you mad at me. I couldn’t bear you to get away from me because of my stupidity… it doesn’t make sense for me… I’m so sorry…” . By now I was sitting on the hospital bed, struggling if I got up to go to the bathroom or run out of there. It was a lot to process in that minute. Was I angry?. Was I excited?. Was I confused?. I think everything at once. I felt a knot in my stomach that made me nauseous. My eyes began to accumulate tears. My jaw began to hurt from clenching it too much.</p><p>"So… what is written on these letters… is it true?… is it what you feel?” I dared to ask, since I wasn’t sure if I was understanding everything correctly. He nodded.</p><p>“Yes. I think the only thing I doubt so far was if I really can see your soul through your eyes… but that was the only metaphor that came to my mind the first time…” he said with a shy smile. I just laughed. He is an adorable dork. A dork I love with all my heart. If this is the chance, then… ok. I needed to take it. From the edge of the bed where I was sitting covered in my hospital gown, I reached out my hand to reach his. Spencer trembled a little when he felt my touch, but he relaxed when I managed to held his hand. I gently pulled him closer to me.</p><p>"I think we are both lousy profilers when it comes to ourselves, don’t you think?”. I said with a smile. Spencer snorted.</p><p>“Hey… precisely speaking you were the one who failed…”. I shook my head.</p><p>“You still don’t understand it? Do you? … You also failed. Miserably. I can’t believe you still don’t realize I’m crazy about you. For so long that I can’t even remember it”. I said as I kept stroking his hand. Spencer opened his eyes in real amazement, validating my theory of how bad we were by applying our profiler skills to each other.</p><p>”(Y/N)… so… are you…?“. I nodded as I pulled him closer to me. I raised my head to find those beautiful eyes that ruined to me since the first time I saw them.</p><p>"I’m… lost, stupidly, grandiosely, incredibly… in love with you”. I said wrapping his torso with my arms. He returned my embrace pressing me against his chest.</p><p>"Though this confirms your theory, I am thrilled…” he proclaimed. We both laugh. Breaking the embrace, he stared at me and with his hands cupped my face, leaning enough to get us face-to-face. I just closed my eyes. It wasn’t more a second until I felt his lips on mine. A long soft kiss. A kiss I had waited for so long. I’d have paid to stay like this forever, despite the discomfort of the hospital room. It was better than I even imagined. And although it happened as a result of our own missteps, it felt so good. As if fate really existed and was good for both of us. When we broke the kiss, we both smiled to each other like fools.</p><p>“Spencer …?” I asked. He looked at me with the 'What?’ implicit in his eyes. “Can I request you two things?” He nodded. “First one, could continue writing me letters like those occasionally?… Of course, now you must signed them properly”. Spencer couldn’t help but laugh.</p><p>“Ok. I think I can do that time to time. ¿And the second?”. Spencer asked as he gently stroked my face with both of his hands.</p><p>“The second one: please don’t let Anderson find out about this…”</p>
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